Undercurrents

188 compressedIt has been an interesting week. I’ve spoken twice this past week, and I spent my entire weekend in silence and in small tasks about my home.

Under all of this is an undercurrent of unrest and agitation in my spirit. At the same time a deep rest has been pervading my soul.

It is an odd mix of energy and depth that I am not quite sure what to do with.

My own last month has been incredibly fruitful. With a myriad of projects completed, with a focus established for the next year and with traction on many fronts there is much movement.

And yet this unrest has me a little baffled.

Yet I suspect I know what it is.

I’ve raised five of my own babies and cared for numerous others over the years. Now babies are always growing and learning new things and moving through developmental stages.

At each stage of development, right before a babe learns to sit or to stand or to walk there is much fussing and frustration, tears and general fits of discomfort. It is easy to observe this in infants.

Yet as my children grew I saw it all along the stages. A little more difficult to see, as the development was no longer about sitting or walking or talking, it was there nonetheless. This same discomfort and frustration, a generally irritated state would precede any new stage of development.

Learning to pump on a swing, tie ones shoes, learning to read or ride a bike. Be it moving from childhood responsibilities to adult ways of thinking and being, all these stages and more were preceded by agitation.

I’m thinking this is where I am at and is the cause of my current unrest. For I’ve noticed in my own past years a similar process of growth and development and the agitation and deep frustrations that occur concurrently.

I’m thinking this continues on for all of us as we go through life. When do we ever really stop learning or developing?

Personally I’ve been on a growth spurt for a few years. I no longer recognize my old self, and really have little idea of who I will be in a years time.

But I do know that I won’t be the same. So I’ll settle into the growth spurt that is in process right this moment. I’ll take the frustrated agitation and give it space alongside these deep silent spaces.

Mixed emotions are difficult to navigate but are hallmarks of growth and maturity and emotional wellness.

I guess it could be said that growth isn’t easy for any of us. Whether we are seven months old and finding out how to crawl or whether we are forty-seven and finding new strengths, it doesn’t matter.

We go forward, growing forward, feeling our way, gaining in strength and new skills day by day. Who we need to be tomorrow we are not yet that person, so growth is simply and always necessary.

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