We have begun videoing each chapter of College of Capturing Courage. I am finding it to be heavy work. The presence of the Lord weighs strong on me. There is a courage required to advance with this, to be sure. I recently realized that I am afraid of the glory of God.
I grew up understanding the value of hard work, the importance of diligence, the necessity to be productive and to prove oneself in this world. Now, all of this is important in its own time and place. Yet, within this work of Capturing Courage I’ve found that God continues to call me to the deepest emotional and spiritual labours. It is in this that I have struggled the most.
For instance, in the midst of my journey with compassion fatigue and as I was sitting more in the Lord, because of the illness naturally brought low, and consequently often overcome by the Lord and drunk in the Spirit a lot of the time, my first reaction was irritation.
I wanted to be productive. Have you ever tried to be productive while drunk? I am reminded of the writing of our college course. During those years, as God poured revelation and conviction and wonder into my writing, I would often get off of my chair and go to my knees before the Lord; I was so overcome by the Lord and brought low in worship. Finally, one day I cried out to God, “God, how am I supposed to write this course when I have to keep getting on my knees!”
Similarly, getting used to being drunk in the Spirit required of me this prayer, “Okay God. If you want me to settle into your presence in this way, if being drunk in you is the way you are moving with me, then I put down my need to be productive. Let me sit and become overcome with your Spirit, with your presence God. Amen.”
And that has settled it for some time. I’ve adjusted to a certain inability to get as much done, to stay on task (my tasks), and to write as much as I want. I’ve given over my ego that would like to prove myself. I’ve been stripped of childhood mantra’s of ‘stay busy’. Jesus, after all, did say of Mary, “She has chosen the better way.” I understand this now.
Yet, as it comes time to video record my reading of each chapter of College of Capturing Courage, I am pressed hard by the weight of God’s glory. I don’t really know how to explain it, except that my natural person fights this at all costs. I am afraid of the weight of God and not very used to this. It is not very comfortable to wander around my house for a couple of hours, completely impotent to do anything ‘useful’ after completing a recording. And the pressing beforehand is another thing entirely.
A week ago or so I prayed this, “Okay God. I will bear the weight of you as you choose. Amen.”
I don’t know how the Lord will use these recordings for others. On my part it is sheer faithfulness and obedience. Brutal faithfulness is what I have always called it. For yourself, I suppose your experience of this is up to you and your own journey with God.
All this to say, here is video of Chapter One – The Great Expectation, College of Capturing Courage. May this bless you, may the Lord be your All in All, may the Living God touch the deepest parts of your heart and life. For all time. Amen.